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  1. #1

    Lizard birthing; biology 101

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
    syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad,
    can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
    his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
    looking stressed I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
    babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged.

    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
    reproduce," I accused my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
    inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
    most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
    informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you! think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
    shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
    about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
    tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
    was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
    tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech,"
    my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
    next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
    times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
    could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
    Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
    be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
    but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
    animal through a magnifying glass.

    "! What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
    speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
    fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
    young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
    male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
    his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
    saying, Mr. Cameron"

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
    giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
    woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
    picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
    more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
    the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
    going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
    me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea,"

    Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 - Lizards - $140...

    1 - Cage - $50...

    Trip to the Vet - $30...

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

    Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

  2. #2
    CRACKING up over here.
    That was hilarious.

  3. #3
    i cant stop laughing that was well funny. as if :P

  4. #4
    OMG!!! I have tears!!! LOL Oh god, my stomache hurts so bad from laughing way too hard!!! LOL Great story!
    "Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." --Roger Caras

 

 

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