It’s been a month and I haven’t heard back from the M.I.C.E. (Minuscule Intelligent Citizens of Eek) that invited me to join their battle against the C.A.T.’s(Curious Abnormal Terrestrials). However, I did hear from a cousin of mine who shared her experience with C.A.T.’s and I thought you might find it insightful.

Molly, my Airedale cousin, lives in Missouri. Much to my surprise, she lives with two C.A.T.s!! She says that her human calls the C.A.T.s by name – Snoopy and Vinnie. Why anyone would feel the necessity to name these horrendous creatures, much less live with one is beyond me!

After reading my column, Molly thought she would share her experiences with me. She claims that these creatures try to kill her on a daily basis and her Human does nothing to stop them! While her Human is gone to work, they tempt her by knocking dastardly items from shelves knowing she will attempt to eat them. To date, they have presented her with Styrofoam peanuts, pens, Kleenex, rolls of paper towels and the most dangerous of all – SOS pads! (I did not bring it to her attention that these things would not be dangerous if she wasn’t stupid enough to eat them!) Molly’s Human comes home, sees the items chewed up on the floor, yells at Molly and cleans up the mess. Is it beyond her ability to comprehend that a more sinister force is at work here than a mischievous dog? Why can’t she see the disturbing grins on the C.A.T.’s faces as they laugh at Molly being reprimanded?

I have heard rumors of other attacks on the canine species by these creatures. One story tells of a black C.A.T. that stands hissing in the middle of the street until a dog goes to chase it. Then it runs away just in time for a car to speed past and injure the dog. Another popular story, which I’m sure you are all familiar with, tells of C.A.T.’s who stand on the fence in your yard and torture you by staying just out of reach. Why do humans think these abominations would make good pets? Do they hypnotize their humans into believing this is the case?

Are the less intelligent of our species slowly being killed off by C.A.T.s, leaving the rest of us to defend the world? Why are the Humans allowing this to happen? I can’t decide if I think the majority of Humans are naively oblivious to their plans or are undercover partners with the C.A.T.s to rid the planet of canines.

So what do we do now? We continue to gather evidence and patiently wait for the M.I.C.E. to contact us again. Thank you to all of the incredibly brave canines that have written to me offering to join the impending battle. I will be contacting you directly soon.

If you have a story to share of how a C.A.T. has tried to injure or kill you, please email me at mulder@folktails.net. We will share your stories in a future column!

Trust No One,